Gaining 10 pounds 7 months ago that would have been my worst nightmare. and yes, I realize how pathetic that is.
2016 was, rough. I lost my Grandma who was my best friend and came down with chronic pain. I developed pelvic floor dysfunction that left me taking 10+ baths a day just to help deal with the pain. I was underweight, so self-absorbed, so stuck on me and so stuck in the mindset, the skinnier I am the prettier I am.
At some points, I was living such a damaging lifestyle. Replacing a meal with a cup of coffee, I was so obsessed with food. You wouldn’t catch me eating dairy, sugar or bread. I was so worried about the food and what It was going to do to my skin and my weight.
Today, with tears filling my eyes as I write this I am happier than ever… Yes I still deal with pelvic floor dysfunction but it has made me have such a new appreciation of my body every day I wake up, I’m alive and feeling good. Yes, I am so thankful for the pain.
Today I’m 10 pounds heavier and I feel healthier than ever. I eat bread, I eat dairy, I eat sugar and I’m not obsessing over it. I want to say I do live an 80/20 lifestyle. I DO feel better when I avoid certain foods but I’m not hard on myself when I do eat it and I fucking enjoy it. Also Matt is smoking some meat right now and I AM PUMPED.
Sorry, this post was rambly, but I just felt like I needed to post it. I love you, whoever it is reading this, I just adore you.
I also want to point out, I’m so not perfect, far far far from it. When people comment on my weight it can still be triggering, do you guys ever deal with that too? I know my eating disorder stemmed from (unfortunately) compliments. When I lost the weight it was comments like, you look so much better, omg you’re so pretty now etc… I know know know people said that from love, I really do. But I took it different, with my own mental health not being fab and my confidence shot I allowed those comments to shift my worth.
So how do you change that? Shift the mindset. Anytime you feel yourself going back to that, actually talk yourself through it and help yourself shift the mindset. Journaling helps to, get that shit out. Juuuust get it out, get angry get pissed and release it. I promise you, it will free you.
But just so you know, I think you’re beautiful I think your body is amazing and it should be honored and told it’s beautiful no matter the size. Please please please love on that beautiful bod of yours friend.
Thank you Ashely from Sincerely Ashley for taking these photos!
Hey! I just wanted to say thank you for openly writing about this. Even though through my journey I have only gained about 6 pounds, my family continues with their comments “eat some meat” “no wonder you’re so cold, you’re just skin and bones”. It is so painful to work through an eating disorder without the support and adoration from your family. I eat healthy, practice yoga and a generally healthy lifestyle, and can’t gain weight very easily.. I should not feel badly about this. Anyways, thank you. – Brittany
You are glowing and prettier than ever gal, for real. So happy you’re embracing healthy and that self love/body appreciation that is so so SO important. XO
what I tell myself is “the happiest maddy isn’t the skinniest maddy” and its so damn true. I want to enjoy life, eat healthy mostly, workout and have a glass of sangria with my friends. So happy you’re in a much better place!
xo, Maddy
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